Good Cat

Nothing annoying this week, she's actually been very sweet. So have these pictures of her!

Splish Splash

Dammit Cat,

This answers so many questions (namely about the toilets being half empty and water being all over the bathrooms) but raises so, so many more.

I'm not sure I even want to ask.

You were playing AND drinking out of it. Do... Do you realize what goes on in there?

How Sweet

Dammit Cat,

You know that I love how the cold weather has both made you more sweet. (Though it has also made you more wild.) I mean, the fact that you actually stood on the couch next to me the other day is amazing! But there's a few things I don't understand.

Why does the cold weather trigger your nursing... Habit? You nursed on my Snuggie. You nursed on the stairs. This morning, you climbed in bed with us (amazing thing by the way) and nursed on my shirt and pants.

Also, when you got up on the bed you started to knead-which would have been fine had it not been directly on my bladder, first thing in the morning. I couldn't just get up and run to the bathroom, because you were actually being incredibly affectionate and I'm not going to just throw that away and risk it never happening again.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to complain. The fact that you voluntarily climbed on me is amazing. It's almost like you're trying to be extra sweet so that I don't suspect anything. ....Crud. You're going to kill me, aren't you?

Sorry!

I'm sorry for the lack of updates recently. I got a new job and then we moved, and between work and unpacking I just haven't really had time for an update. I really hope to get back on track now.

Sorry

No update this Monday. Zuzana's just trying to flood the kitchen... Again.

Something a Little Different

This is Muffin. She and Zuzana are currently working out who is the dominant house kitty-mostly by Zuzana hissing and then running away, and Muffin just staring at her.

Muffin just does not care.

Subtle

The bug under there will never even know you're coming.

Quiet Time

Dammit Cat,

SHUT UP.

The dogs are all inside. You have food. Your box is clean. You refuse to play with any toys I dangle in front of you.

So why have you been howling for about twenty minutes straight? Every time we get up you stop until we sit down again. You run from us, you won't play with any of your toys, and don't want pets.

What do you want? At this point, name it. It's yours. Just shut. Up.

Again??

Dammit Cat,

Let's go over this one more time, shall we?

If you can get up onto something, you can get back down. I promise.

That said, please stop getting up on the tall aquarium. I thought that after rescuing you the first time, you would understand and leave it alone.

Nope, the next night you went up onto it again, and started once more howling because you couldn't get down. Surely you understood then!

But alas. You went up there again the night after. It was only about five minutes before you started howling and pacing on top of the tank.

You WILL learn this time, right..? Oh, who am I kidding. At eight o' clock sharp, I'm sure you'll climb up again.

Only Here

Dammit Cat,

I'm glad I caught you in time. There I was, just about to leave the house, when you trotted down the stairs holding something in your mouth. You immediately went to your little 'treasure corner' where you put ALL the stuff you steal, and spat out... A foot.

A doll foot. I'd taken a doll apart to clean it and you took just that little foot, oh so delicately, and tried to hide it from me.

Only in this house can that happen, I swear.

Perils of Indoor Kittyhood

Dammit Cat,

You got up there, so why can't you get down?

I realize that, as an indoor cat, you do not have any trees to become stuck up in. Was the ladder a close enough substitution for you to be unable to get down on your own?

I watched you climb up on it. You took it rung by rung. I watched you use your new-found height to get up on cabinets that you had never before reached. I watched you get back on it, and go one rung down. Then you stopped.

Despite being right next to the island and with a counter on the other side (either of which you could have easily jumped down on), you froze. You started to howl and fuss.

You didn't even flail like usual when I picked you up and set you on the floor.

Is it something in your little kitty DNA? You can get up and down off of the entertainment center and it's higher than the ladder. Heck, you can get in and out of your cat tree, and it's the same height.
Oh
Is it like some sort of kitty kryptonite? Some self-destruct in your little cat brain?

Whatever it is, I know that even though you either can't or won't get down off of a ladder, the second one is out again you'll be climbing up onto it.

"Helping"

Dammit Cat,

I know that you clearly want to be involved in what I'm doing, especially when what I'm doing is not paying attention to you when I clearly should be. I do appreciate your help. However, let's lay down some rules, shall we?

Rule 1: When I'm measuring out fabric on the floor, it is not necessary to hold it down. I do appreciate the thought though.

Rule 2: When I'm rolling up that fabric to store it, please don't attack my toes. They are not attacking me, or whatever it was you thought.

Rule 3: Yes, I WAS reaching for that thread! Thank you for knocking it off the desk and running downstairs with it. Again. Especially because it's the only spool I have in the color I need.

Rule 4: Leave the pattern paper alone. Also, do not attack my hand when I try to pull the pattern paper away.


Now that we've gone over those, I think we can have a nice, productive craft time.

....Dammit! Where did that thread go?!

Easiest Path

Dammit Cat,

You have a full bowl of food. It is out where you can easily get to it. That is why I have to ask-why did you make a giant mess to get to a piece of dog food?

Yes, it fell behind the holder that the dog's water bowl is in. Did that mean that you had to figure out how to shove the holder aside to get to it? While I am impressed with your single-minded determination to get a single little treat, it hardly seems worth flooding half the kitchen over. What makes it more baffling is the fact that whenever I offer you a piece of dog food, you ignore it.

Is the work making it taste all the sweeter?


...Wait. You... You pushed the holder out and splashed water everywhere to get to the dog food, then you just [i]left the piece in the middle of the floor[/i].

Pretty Girl

Dammit Cat,

You are not one of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park. You have never seen that movie, so far as I know.

So why is it that you jiggle door handles? Or that you even know to do that? Honestly, there is almost nothing creepier than going to the bathroom and hearing the door knob rattle, and then seeing your paws hooking underneath the door.

I cannot even express how happy I am that we have round door knobs and not the hook type, because I have absolutely no doubt that you would be able to open those. I know what would happen then. I would look up from my bed one night and the door would swing wordlessly open, like in some horror movie, and as soon as I got up to check you would attack my ankles from under the bed, bringing me down for the kill.

Or maybe I just watched too many horror films. Either way, thank goodness we've got the round kind. Now PLEASE let me pee in peace!

So Sweet

Dammit Cat,

Why are you so incredibly sweet and well-behaved when company is over? You're social too, which you never are with us. You were quiet and sweet and nobody will believe me now when I tell them how naughty and loud you can be. No, you just HAVE to prove me wrong by going in the middle of a group of people and then rolling over for belly rubs. You NEVER come over for pets! Ever!

Seriously, did you just do that so I'd look like some kind of awful liar when I talked about how aloof and noisy you are? You did, didn't you?

Slip and Slide

Dammit Cat,


What is this?

Is that....

Oh God that's water. Everywhere.

Yes, I see how very, very proud you are of yourself. We STILL don't need a slip and slide in the kitchen though!


(A little explanation......

That green thing with the arrow to it? That's the little holder for the water bowl. Each of those piece of tile is 12" across. It was EVERYWHERE.)

Cruel To Be Kind

Dammit Cat,

Why is it that the only dog that you are nice to is Boudreaux? He's the only dog that cannot possibly stand you, and he is the only one that you have never jumped on, been licking and then bit, or outright run over.

I understand why you bite Abby-you'll be grooming her and she'll turn to lick you in the face, no matter how many times you try to move away.

I understand that Bella and Jackson are sometimes casualties as they get in the way of your little racetrack around the first floor.

But you go out of your way to be nice to Boudreaux even though he can't stand it. You rub on him. You lick him. He growls and tries to get away.

Is it because you know that nothing else in the world could annoy him more than you being sweet to him? Or is it because you want him to look like the bad guy for trying to flee when you nuzzle up against him?



(Sorry for the late update, I got my days mixed up after a trip.)

Clever Girl

Dammit Cat,

That window is solid. It was solid when you jumped into it face first five minutes ago, trying to get to that lizard. It was still solid three minutes ago, when you did the same thing. So why did you jump face first into it again just now?

At least you're jumping at slightly different spots each time, but frankly that just makes me think of the raptors in Jurassic Park. One day you will find that weakness and bust the glass, or the window will be open and you'll knock the screen out.

Until that day, just keep trying. Not like you need those brain cells or anything.

Snailocide

Dammit Cat,

The snails NEED to stay in the water. You notice how they are in a saltwater aquarium? They need to stay there.

I need to not hear an odd noise and go in to find one on the floor, still dripping wet.

No, I don't believe for a second that it wasn't you. You were standing in the room, trying to look innocent, and snails don't jump.

Seriously. Leave. The tank. Alone.

And while we're on the subject... Where in the HELL is the eel?! I'm assuming it jumped out since it's nowhere to be found, but did you eat it?

.....I bet you ate it.

Not A Snack

Dammit Cat,

When there is a bowl by the fish tank, that is not some sort of snack bowl set out just for you. It is also not a punch bowl. It is, in fact, a brand new coral being drip-acclimated so that it won't die the minute it's put in the tank.

Now that I've explained that, perhaps you see why it was so awful for you to fish the coral out, fling it aside, and drink out of the bowl.

Not only is that salt water bad for you (even though you drink it at every opportunity) but that coral is alive. Yes, you broke a piece off. Fortunately we were able to save both pieces, but even with us suddenly having two pieces instead of one that does not excuse your attempted coral murder. Does it flavor the water somehow? I don't really care.

On a very much related note, please stop trying to drink out of the fish tanks. It disturbs the fish, and one day you're going to fall in.

That's Yours

Dammit Cat,

That thing? That thing that you keep biting and that keeps hitting you in the head?

That's your foot.

Stop that.

I know that it's a back foot and therefor something you don't see often, but you could seriously stop just kicking yourself in the head over and over and attacking it. Normal cats bite their tails. Try that.

Seriously though. You need those brain cells. Knock it off.







No, that's still your foot.

What Is This, I Don't Even

Dammit Cat,

You are such a dork.

Ooh La La

Dammit Cat,

Are you opening a salon? You keep stealing nail files. All of them. And the clippers.

We tried hiding one of the nail files behind a stack of magazines and you simply shoved the entire stack onto the floor to get at the nail file.

You will pull the drawer with the nail files open if it's not shut completely, even if it's just got a tiny crack open.

You now come running from wherever you were in the house when you hear someone file their nails.

So.... When does the salon open up? Because by my count, you've outright stolen three nail files and maybe a pair of clippers. There's absolutely no sign of them in any of the spots we've found where you like to hide things. Did you eat them? I'm beginning to think you ate them.

Oh well. I encourage you to play with them when you can get them-at least they might dull your claws just a little bit.

Gift Horse

Dammit Cat,

Sometimes, we give you treats. Tonight, it was a very special night and you'd been terrorized earlier by a five year old hyped up on sugar, and so tonight we decided to give you a tiny piece of ham. Yes, it was only about the size of a nickle, but it was still a treat.

But dammit! If we're offering you a treat, do not insist that we just stand there holding it while you lick it. You wouldn't take a bite, oh no. I just was expected to sit there, offering it up for you to taste. Finally you did eat it, but only after I gave half to the dog and shredded the rest into tiny pieces for you.

Really, next time I won't hold it for five minutes while you lick it.

I'll only hold it for three. But that's it!

Sweet Treats

Dammit Cat,

Those cookies are not for you. Seriously. I know that everything in this house seems to be yours, but those are not. I made them for the rest of the family.

When I was looking over at you I was just seeing where you were, not inviting you to jump up onto the counter and try to shove your face on the baking rack.

Thank you for waiting until after I'd taken the cookies off of it to do that, by the way.

Also, please stop trying to knock the bag of cookies on the floor and rip them open. Seriously. Those are not kitty treats.

Kleptomania

Dammit Cat,

We've talked about this. I think you need to admit that you have a problem.

So far you've stolen slippers, an animatronic dog that sings, I don't even know how many hot glue sticks, a Bluetooth ear set, socks, pencils, a live shrimp, a live (until you bit through the top of it) crab, an earring that is still missing, LEGO men, Christmas ornaments, and now a shell. And that's just what we know about!

I really think that we need to see a professional about this hoarding problem that you seem to have. It's for your own good.


...Dammit, where'd my iPod go?!

Finally!

Dammit Cat,

Why did it take you over a year and a half to actually sit in my lap for the first time? You would only ever be on my lap before if I had a blanket on me, and then you would nurse the blanket. We could put the blanket on a bed of nails and you would have been on it.

But finally! FINALLY you sat in my lap! You even laid down!

Though... It turns out that you only do it when I'm at the kitchen table and drawing or doing paper-related things, and you then insist on hanging half off of my lap so that I have to hold you up and can't do what I was doing in the first place.

This is more you keeping me distracted and less affection, isn't it? Oh well. I'll take it.


(Yes, April 1 was seriously the first time that she ever laid down in my lap without bribing her with the blanket she was so attached to. It's a little sad.)

Being Contrary

Dammit Cat,

Why do you love proving people wrong?

You have had that nifty cat tree for about a year now, but have only gotten onto the top shelf part once before. However, you heard someone say that the top one was such a waste and they didn't think that you even knew about it, you climbed up right then. Is it that the comment jogged your memory? Or do you just like showing off?

Natural Order

Dammit Cat,

Wait until I finish taking Cokes out of the box to climb into it. Yes, I understand that the large pallets that have the plastic covering are your favorite things in the whole entire WORLD (as are all forms of boxes, really) but you have to wait.

Similarly, do not act all sweet and cuddly and wait until I'm grabbing the last can to rip open my thumb because suddenly it is play time. After I run off to try and stop the bleeding (which was surprisingly significant) do not then somehow flip the almost empty box and can onto the floor from the washing machine. That can make a hell of a mess.


(Also, on another note I'm going to try to make the updates regular now that I have a stockpile of her weirdness. Updates will come every Monday.)

Snobbery

Dammit Cat,

I know that you at least don't hate me as much as you lead on. I happen to know for a fact that you spent the entire day in your cat tree, and came down only when I got home. Granted, you ran over to me and brushed against my leg on your way past before pretending to play in the rug, but I know what it means. Last weekend, you spent an ENTIRE Saturday up on one of the cabinets and came down to brush against my leg before running to lay on top of the printer instead. See, you made a detour (barely) to acknowledge my existence! That means something, right? Right?? And sure you only let me pet you for two seconds before you wander off, but those two seconds are a sign of some sort. And you only are sweet to me when nobody at all is around to see, but... That's... That's you being shy, right..?

....Wait a minute. You give me these tiny gestures of affection, and then rip them away. You.... You're toying with me!

I'm on to you, cat.

Bath Day

Dammit Cat,

This is for your own good.

(She had fleas, and got a bath and a treatment for it. She is currently hoping I die a horrible death, I believe.)

Jet Dry

Dammit Cat,

What is your fascination with the dishwasher? Why do you climb in it, and only when the dishes are clean?

Is it to rub your cat hair all over the slightly damp dishes, ensuring that we'll find hair stuck to every dish later as we eat?

You don't really do this when the dishes are dirty and going into the dishwasher, which would actually make sense. No, you wait until we pull the rack out and try to walk behind it, into the little cave of wonders back there, walking on and against the newly cleaned cutlery as you go. You also seem to delight in hopping onto the lid of the dishwasher when it is lowered. Please understand that I cannot unload it with you standing there, and do not give me the dirtiest looks that you can when I move you aside to pull the rack out.

Now that we've got that out of the way, maybe we can move onto your pencil stealing addiction....

Master of Disguise

Of course we can't see you. Why do you ask?

Minty Fresh

Dammit Cat,

I was saving that peppermint. I did not need to hear a rattling of a wrapper and then you crunching away.

Your breath is awesome now though.

That's Just Mean

Dammit Cat,

Please don't hide under the piece of furniture that's placed right by the entrance to the living room. Please do not wait there silently, waiting for a dog or human to walk by so that you can snag them. You know that they have no way of getting you back, so it's really quite unfair. Please also do not be surprised when the dogs all rush you as soon as you get out from under the safety of it.

Eeew

Dammit Cat,

Please do not try to climb into the toilet bowl to splash around.

Especially just before I flush it.



(I did keep her away from it, but she was determined. The flush noise scared her away from the clean water.)

For Your Own Good

Dammit Cat,

When you are trying to pull down an expensive and heavy thing onto your head, do not be surprised when I put it where you can't (easily) get it. No, I am not doing that just to be mean. Also, when you go back over, feel for it and realize it isn't there, turning and screaming at me is not the way to get it back. Especially not if it is nearly midnight and I am the only person in the house still awake.

God's Eye

Dammit Cat,

that spool of thread was not for you. In fact, that was for a project. It IS impressive how you managed to bat it around the table and chair legs to form something that looked like a single colored God's Eye craft project.

It is especially impressive that you managed to wind the thread so tightly around the table that when I tugged on the thread it snapped, making me unable to roll the thread back on the spool and actually use it. I don't know how you did it, but bravo. Now please excuse me while I go buy more of that color, since there is almost none left.

No! Don't eat that!

Dammit Cat,

Do not chew on plants for attention. Do not meow so that we are looking at you and then lean forward to chew the flowers.

ESPECIALLY do not do this when it is Valentines and there is a potted tulip sitting on the table that was a gift.

When we do a quick Google search and find out that tulips are toxic to cats and then take the tulip outside after making sure that you just put some bite marks in it, do not make sad noises. Do not stare out the window at the tulip like it was the best toy ever. Also, please do not spend the rest of the day being annoyed at the fact that I am constantly checking on you to make sure that you are not drooling or otherwise acting stranger than normal.

Some Thanks

Dammit Cat,

When I'm trying to fix or improve upon your toys, please do not lunge at them, claws out. I am trying to enrich your playing experience. I don't think that my blood and screams will do that as effectively as you think, though I may be wrong.

Waterworks

Dammit Cat,

The kitchen does not need an indoor pool. Please stop flipping the dog's water bowls upside down, or putting your front feet in them and digging until they're half empty. We do not want a slip and slide on the tile, no matter how much you think we do.

Hello and Welcome

So, at the suggestion of some of my friends, I'm going to start a blog about my cat. Yes, I'm a little young to be a crazy cat lady, but I figure I should start early.

I intend for this to be a blog purely about crazy cat stories-mine and other people's. Maybe one day a week I'll post other people's stories that they've sent to me. I'll try to post at least a few times a week, though it's mostly going to be affected by how my cat Zuzana behaves.

And now to begin things, the dignified gooshing of my cat.